Updated: Dec 1, 2022
“Imagine your life is perfect in every aspect, what would it look like?”
I asked myself this question, and the answers were limitless and were filled by negative thoughts. It was in times like this that I was left alone with my thoughts and was forced to think and experience the various emotions which flowed through my body, the feeling was strange and sort of comforting in a confusing way. All I needed was a coffee, a song and a blanket. Then everything came by itself, sometimes I would have to embrace those emotions through tears, being unable to speak to the world or to even say a word. I took a deep breath and I said “it’s all right, it’s all right, and just a little more and it’ll go away” and those words became my truth to keep me going. With every breath I took and every truth I denied, my pain subsided to the false truth I made myself believe. I would have to hide my pain and hide my personality, for it was the secret which made a difference between my living and my death.
“Be yourself” it wasn’t as easy as it was spoken because, as days went by and the pain terrified my heart, it became hard every day to conserve the pain and hold back the tears. For I was scared, I was hurt and I wasn’t brave enough to express. The world was harsh and cruel, a single word and life would’ve changed for the worse. It was a gift that I liked smiling even in the deepest of sorrows because it helped with the pain for a while. But then I used to get tired of all the smiling. Every once in a while, I needed to cry too, I needed to take care of the emotions which became overflowing at some point.
The most painful thing was to smile when someone asked what was wrong. I wanted to tell them, I wanted to fall in their arms and cry the pain away. Well, I used to wish I lived near the ocean because whenever the emotion would become too hard to handle, I would just have to go to the ocean and scream my heart out. There is something about water that calms my nerves and makes me forget about myself and forget about my problems. All was good and all was fine for the time now… Those small wishes were the moments, emotions and tears I couldn’t handle.
My problems made me arrogant by covering up a lot of my sides, I could trust no one and it made me take the things I love for granted. I turned my back on family because I knew they would definitely not understand, they were one of the most important things for me in my life, so important that I didn’t want my problem the cause to losing them. I didn’t want to be a burden and I definitely couldn’t avoid the problem because it would determine the rest of my life. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be embraced in ways a person could be. I wanted everyone to find out and at the same time I didn’t want them to. I wanted to be lifted from all my sorrows and told that everything is definitely going to be “OKAY”. Every time I would slowly have to lift my head even if I didn’t want to, hold back my tears when I didn’t want to, smile to cover up the deep pain just to look okay, and ignore the people I cherished most.
It would have been better if it was cancer but when you’re just a sad closeted homosexual, you don’t expect life to go well. I prayed to god to take it away but I knew I was asking for the something I couldn’t change and every time I would end up feeling the same way. It wasn’t as easy to just open up to everyone because I lived in a world which was hard to trust, and you never knew how badly you would end up. Every time I thought about coming out, the world gave me just another reason not to. I didn’t want my identity to go just as a passing to another person ever again. All I wanted to hear all my life were the words “It’s okay, I don’t care” or even a small hug. Those were the only words I wanted to hear and the only thing I wanted to feel because when you’re a closed up homosexual living a life in fear, those words truly are the truth which sets you free.
And that’s how I came out to my family and myself.
DISCLAIMER: Please note that these are the experiences of the writer. If you relate to any of these experiences please make sure to reach out to a professional and talk to your friends. Love for yourself and others is not finite and should be shared and encouraged.